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.saved by grace...destroyed by naivety.

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

[ << Previous 25 ]

 

 
  2006.11.14  18.14


forgot about this

  
 

(here)


 
  2006.05.03  17.33
always <3

march 5 1957 - april 27 2006


Always, Daddy. always<333.

  
 

(here)


 
  2006.02.06  18.45


you don't know what it's like to be alone.
to be alone in every fucking way.

  
 

(here)


 
  2006.02.01  23.51


"But don't worry if stuff falls away from you left and right, you still have a true, good heart -- nothing can take that away."


.............................................

  
 

(here)


 
  2006.01.29  18.53


to be blunt,
i knew it was going to be a tough year when:
The one that kept me okay and full of love(for 2yrs) left me behind, when my grandma got cancer,when i started waking up in my bed daily with random panic attacks, when my pet frog died, when i began getting D's in all my classes, when i realized it is reality that my dad has only 20% of his heart left working, when i realized i need to be strong about everything and must stick this out and be happy for what i have, but realized i am a terribly fucked up emotional mess and every time i think about you i feel like i'm getting stabbed in my gut and i want to curl up and die because i love you more than fucking life and you've left me here to fend for myself and face this on my own



Mood: depressed 		 
 

(here)


 
  2006.01.27  20.00


so much that i can't say to you
my voice shakes from the hurt that i hide
ashamed of my existence
and of my petty often wounded pride
i'd like to come home to see you
and to catch your sickness by the bedside
but then you'd know how much i really need you

all the love in an instant
makes my life stop
but then my hate for you
makes my feelings altogether drop

if only i were blind to your selfish fling
and your desperate cause
and didn't press you for the details
that threaten my physical flaws

i'd like to come home to see you
and embrace your illness under soft light
but then you'd know how much i really need you

all the love in an instant
makes my life stop
but then my hate for you
makes my feelings altogether drop

  
 

(here)


 
  2006.01.18  23.30
personal renewal

when you hit rock bottom,
when it comes down to dying or living,
thats when it all comes to you.

  
 

(here)


 
  2006.01.05  16.51
when i thought it couldnt get any worse

how could you fucking cheat my love for you
ive given you myself since day 1
and i gave it while planning for it to never stop
and i know once i gave it like that
that it really never would stop
i love you to death
oh my god :'(
this is the most fucking painful thing i have ever had to go through
how could you move on so quickly and to someone else

i could never.

i love you forever and always.
i love you till no end.

please god :'(

  
 

(here)


 
  2006.01.02  21.51


this is the hardest thing time have ever been through.

  
 

(here)


 
  2005.12.24  09.47


the snows coming down
and i'm watching it fall
all the people around...

Baby, please come home.



 
 

(here)


 
  2005.12.18  19.13


Have you ever loved someone so much your current life is past flashes of smiles with them and you try to push the memories away but its impossible to get rid of them. When your life revolves around just hearing their name or lookin at pictures of them and nothing can make you feel full until you can hear from them. And the least you can do for happiness is cry tears at old pictures of you with them. And theres nowhere around it you know theyre the only one you want to be with. When every day you’ve known them you have loved them with every piece of your heart and they loved you too and help you grow as a person with every piece of themselves. And theres nothing you can do to thank them enough and your love feels like it will burst from your heart if you think you cant even be with them again. When all these years there has been ups and downs but mostly ups and you were naïve and took time apart to see if it was true but later realized it was fucked up because it would always be true this kind of love can’t be stopped. I know it seems cliché but the past is the past and ive come to conclusion that this is true. Theres no other person in the world I would ever want to love as much or be with, no one else besides you. the worlds a lonely place but you made it so much brighter, i was weak and i was young with you but now I am stronger. This pain has shown me realizations I could have never known before and I think god made this a lesson to me for a light to be shone on us for the future and whats in store. i know what we had was rare and we were different from the rest; best friends ,lovers we could make it through any test. This is cheesy I don’t give a fuck what I’m writing is so true. Theres no one that could ever make me love again not anyone but you. Im not saying I cant go on, that I will rot in my grave, but forever haunting my brain are all the promises you made. About how in life we would stick it out even when months or years we may come unglued. I know this is rough but I hope someday you will stick your chin up for us. Cause I’m praying for a day you give me second try. It’s either try or just die. & If it takes my whole life…....



Mood: depressed 		 
 

(here)


 
  2005.12.11  17.16


the holidays take on a nightmarish quality.
Memories of past joys and traditions shared
with you
just tug at my heart.
i would rather run and hide rather than join in any fucking holiday cheer.

  
 

(here)


 
  2005.12.10  13.43


I get so sick feeling every time I think about it. The happiness of it and the lack now of it. In my head I see us sleeping, laughing, squirming, holding, and I want it back so fucken bad I cant even explain it cause I see this in my head and I get sick to my stomache sick in regret of how good I once had it. I love you babe and theres nothing I can do now. But sit here and get my feelings out on a page youll never read about. I’m beggin on fate to help this through, I must have learned this lesson for something and I pray that someday I can show you.

  
 

(here)


 
  2005.12.03  11.04


to see if you really love someone
first you gotta see how it is when you leave it

i realized i love a person more than anything.

and now i realize things from back then that i shouldnt have
done or acted when a person was so beautiful

sometimes you gotta be put in pain
to realize the pain you once caused

im so fucken sorry
and now my regrets are eating me alive
and now the pain is returning to me ten times worse

i have learned so fucking much from this

and i'm just begging at fate
and time
to put your heart in it's right place

and when all is said is done
i beg god with every piece of me that
i am the one you return home to

it kills me saying this but
I love you so much.



Mood: crying 		 
 

(here)


 
  2005.11.19  21.53
<3

i won't ever be happy again



Mood: sad 		 
 

(here)


 
  2005.11.01  16.30


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And i will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

  
 

(here)


 
  2005.10.18  06.44


poor livejournal! you must get lonely! i only go to your page once a year these days!

  
 

(here)


 
  2005.10.01  16.39


Regretful it's the time of year for letting go
Wasting all my time 'cause you just tease me
Please leave me alone

Scared of the feeling of you coming home
I'm leaning out the open windows
Looking into the alley below
Rooftops black and the moon's hanging low

And the telephone wires
That carry the sound
Stretch across the sky
And under the ground

And i will be here
When you come back
And speak to me low
Speak to me low

I'll pretend that
It's okay
We'll just be friends
So the wires say



  
 

(here)


 
  2005.09.03  17.34


school sucks
im not gonna make it through

i feel like i was jipped of my summer

  
 

(here)


 
  2005.07.20  18.32
i only get to be online like once a month

One fine summer day Alysha got this furious rash that made the areas around her eyes look like they were about to explode.
she didnt leave the house for a while.

But then she went to a free concert in Boston with Lauren and Emily and saw DHT perform hahah woooot.but it was blazin hot out.

shit i had a lot of other stuff to update on but i forget it now
umm
2 days ago i went to Rhode island and did more shoppin at dEliaS

i work at the Cupboard..scoopin icecream with jilleen, and this is how i afford my delias getup and etc.

ipod werks again

i need to make new/more friends to hang out with


party party party


i love just hangin out sippin coffee brandy while gettin a nice bronze tan

more more blonde in my hair

quit soccer?


i love andy milonakis he makes my life less bad hehe

bye

  
 

(here)


 
  2005.06.26  15.37


You could throw me a bone
If i get too close you wake me up
remind me softly to go
If i forget won’t you wake me up
Remind me not to feel a thing
Keep the dream tight
I can’t feel a thing
My dreams are so tight
Cant feel anything
My dreams are so tight

  
 

(here)


 
  2005.06.18  13.01
:-)

i tend to put coffee brandy in my ice coffee throughout the day



Music: kelly osbourne 		 
 

(here)


 
  2005.06.07  21.43


can
something
new
happen
about
now
plz?

or atleast by this summer? okthankz



Music: ariel kill him 		 
 

(1 comment | here)


 
  2005.05.23  16.24


me and kara joined a band with joe grillo & steve L. be ready.

it seems we've been suprisingly successful in the music business so far
we only had a 3 song demo and only practiced it once and still managed to get a record deal just like that.

we're only 16 and makin it big. thanks to meatloaf.

MCAS sucked. so glad its over oh wait no i forgot theres a BIOLOGY MCAS tomorrow KEWL and then a history one the following day. eff...

i made m&m co0kies last night at like 10. tthey came out burnttt.

i went to get my permit the other day w/ my dad and waited in line for an hour and then the guy wouldnt let me get it cause i didnt have my social security CARD, i only had my social security NUMBER. i wanted to stab him. Then my dad took me out 2 eat cause he is the shiiziz.

I bought the book Confessions Of A Heiress by Paris Hilton. it ruless

driving skewl ends wednesday.

I learned from my Paris Hilton Book that its proven to put you in a better mood. I've been going shopping a lot lately and like wow it totaLLy werKz!

Had my last soccer game saturday and sunday. i pulled a muscle in my like thigh-groin, hurts like a bitch.

Got another Ymca membership so hopefully going there again every night to work out, werk off some STRESS that has been added on.

junior mints woo


advice:
--------
t r u s t n o o n e



Music: kelis- i hate you so much right now 		 
 

(here)


 
  2005.05.15  22.17


if you ever thr0w up in my house and it doesn't go in the toilet or atleast bathroom floor i hate you forever



Mood: tired
Music: stacy q 		 
 

(1 comment | here)


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